NEREVENGERS
The following broadcast is approved for collective interpretation.
Praise be to the Sublime. We love you.
Nerevar opened his eyes. He was born with platinum blonde hair and golden eyes that gave him night vision and he has superpowers. He had super strength and scrib vision also. He realized he woke up in Tomorrowind. The huge city was full of massive white skyscrapers and lanes of hovercars and tasteful product placements.
“Nerevar! Come in Nerevar! Do you read me?” His communicator was buzzing loudly. Someone was trying to talk to him. He wondered who it was. Because he wondered who it was, he answered.
“Nerevar here.” That was his catchphrase. He held for laughter. “What’s the situation?”
“The Abhorring Fan is terrorizing the people of Tomorrowind. I’m putting together a team to stop him—or get payback if he don’t stop him in time.”
“We’re a team of people who avenge stuff?” Nerevar asked.
“Yes. In essence.” The voice answered.
“By the way, who is this?” Nerevar asked.
Dramatic pause.
Building tension.
Building more tension.
The voice on the other side was revealed with a brass swell of the Nerevengers theme song.
“It’s me, Nazeem.”
Nerevar was on the first hover bus to Nerevengers tower, where he met with the whole team.
“You all know why I’ve gathered you here today,” Nazeem said. He was wearing an eye patch for some reason. “The Abhorring Fan is giving everyone shoulder rubs, turning them into his Grand Champions. Soon, the entirety of Tomorrowind will be standing there, next to him.”
“No! We have to stop him!” Cried Fargoth. His ring gave him magical healing powers and the ability to control rings.
“Be quiet, Fargoth. We will stop him. But I will be brooding and stubborn until my arc is finished.” The words came from Umbra. She was the only girl on the team, so she was wearing the tightest costume of them all. Her magic sword, Umbra, was magic on the table. Everyone could tell because of the way it glowed.
Inigo spoke up next. He was in the trailer so everyone was excited for this scene.
“This one thinks we should all get along. We need to work as a team.” Everyone ignored him even though they’re all adults and should be able to operate in small group settings.
“You won’t like me when I’m angry,” Pelinal said to no one in particular.
“Alright, I’m going to deploy you now. Nerevengers…”
Everyone was ready for Nazeem to say the thing.
“Gather.”
They got in their super awesome invisible airplane that never got brought up again. But Umbra had an argument with Inigo to pad out the runtime.
“Look, if you want to work as a team, that’s fine for you. But I have a magic sword,” (that glows so we know it’s magic, also it’s purple, so maybe it’s evil?) “and my magic sword works alone.”
Inigo stood up and screamed in frustration.
“I’m so tired of you, Umbra. You need to work with us, not against us.”
“Shut up Inigo, you only have a bow. You don’t have real powers like everyone else.” Fargoth said.
That made Inigo sad. He wished Mr. Dragonfly was here to make him feel better. He had a flashback of Mr. Dragonfly to increase toy sales and so he could also be in the trailer.
“That’s my secret, Nerevar—“ Pelinal added. “I’m always upset.”
Everyone ignored him, then they arrived at the place where the Abhorring Fan waited for them.
”Uh guys—I think I see him,” Pelinal said helpfully. They paused for laughter again.
“By Azura! By Azura! By Azura!” He said when he saw the Nerevengers. His hair was combed down, even though his usual silhouette was significantly more recognizable. Studio executives insisted he look more gritty and realistic. “I can’t believe it’s you, standing here, next to me…”
He called forth an army of his Grand Champions. Nerevar fought the Abhorring Fan while everyone else fought his minions. They were evenly matched because they all had the exact same superpowers for some reason.
Pelinal started shooting bad guys with his laser gun, but he also had a sword he was using to deflect all of the bullets they shot at him. Fargoth used his ring to see every possible outcome the battle could take.
“There are 6,507,930 possible outcomes to this battle.” He said, levitating with his ring powers.
“How many where we win?” Asked Nerevar. He wanted to know how many scenarios Fargoth had seen where they won.
Fargoth showed the number one with his finger. It was really cool and showed the stakes they were facing.
Umbra did a really cool move—that was also in the trailer—with her sword. She and Pelinal high fived after they killed a big monster that levelled an entire city. Umbra realized she liked working in a team.
Inigo was shooting arrows at all the bad guys. Nerevar saw how good he was at using a bow and nodded at him in respect. He respected him for using the bow really well even though he didn’t have any powers. A bow is a weapon that utilizes potential energy to launch projectiles.
Nazeem had a super cool moment where he said the thing:
“Do you get to the Cloud District very often?”
All of the bad guys stopped, confused by his question.
“What am I saying, of course—“
Then he interrupted himself to subvert expectations.
“Nah, not this time.”
Nerevar remembered something that was established earlier in the story and used it to defeat the Abhorring fan. The heroes had a super epic pose together, and then Inigo—surrounded by the bodies of countless innocent men, women, and children lost to the Abhorring Fan’s rampage—said:
“Hey, have you guys ever had shawarma?”
Then it cut to the credits. Everyone in the audience waited for them to end so they could watch the scenes that came after.
Nerevar opened his eyes. He realized he was in Tomorrowind. This time, someone helped him to his feet.
“Delphine?”
Delphine got three movies and a television show even though no one likes her.
The credits resumed with Ween’s “Ocean Man.”
The second credits scene had Sheogorath in it. He said “Heehoo hoohee, I’m Sheogorath.” Then he baited the second movie: Nerevengers 2: The Sequel.
The End.
THE NEREVENGERS WILL RETURN